Samhater's Prem Predictions
Date: Friday 18th August 2006(1) CHELSEA Forget the slip up at the Community Shield, Chelsea are still way too good for the rest. I fully expect Shev to lead the scoring charts. Everyone keeps saying that all the squad can’t be kept happy, but does it matter? They can just ship out the bad eggs and bring others in. Prediction: After making a 20 point gap over the rest, Chelsea players get so bored that they fall asleep and miss the home game with Bolton. Despite having 11 players v 0, Bolton fail to score after Sam demands that no players dare venture into the opposition half and woe be tide anybody who dares have a shot. Sam is still happy after keeping a clean sheet. (2) LIVERPOOL The best of the rest. Craig Bellamy and Jermaine Pennent are 2 great signings and should give them the cutting edge they lacked last season. Tight at the back, Liverpool will finally learn how to punish the weaker sides in the division. Prediction: After their amazing pairing at international level, Liverpool splash out £8m in the January window for Rob Earnshaw. Despite only playing half a season, he finishes second in the scoring charts behind Shevchenko, with 26 goals. (3) MAN UNITED Loosing the horse faced, diving cheat will be a huge blow. If they bring in a quality striker before the deadline, they will finish 2nd and push Chelsea. If they think Saha and Shrek can do the job, big mistake. How long will the USA owners bankroll Fergie if they don’t win anything? Carrick is not good enough for a top 4 side, bad buy. Prediction: A new record is set by John Motson for the number of times he uses the words ‘Genius’, ‘fantastic’ and ‘brilliant’ to describe Wayne Rooney while commentating on the Manchester Derby. What is most surprising is the fact that Rooney isn’t even on the pitch. (4) ARSENAL Closer to the top 3 than they were last year, but an over reliance on Henry again is their downfall. If Henry was to get a long term injury, Arsenal would not finish in the top 4. Prediction: Theo Walcott ends up going on loan, and then signing for Barnet after his form dips to critical levels. He is diagnosed with Michael Ricketts disease, caught during the world cup. This explains how an undeserved England Cap can destroy your form. When a cure is found, expect Ricketts to sign for Real Madrid for £25m (5) TOTTENHAM Don’t think they have improved too much on last year. Mido may be a big loss. Still, they will be the nearest to the top 4 and ready to pounce if Arsenal (or Man U) slip up. Prediction: Jealous of the new Arsenal stadium, Spurs fans begin to construct a 60,000 stadium out of matchsticks. The ambitious project is to be completed by season 2015, 1 full year ahead of the new Wembley. (6) BLACKBURN Mark Hughes worked wonders for Wales and is doing so for our neighbours. Losing Bellamy might have caused many managers to cry themselves to sleep. Hughes simply took the cash and bought 2 great replacements. 2m for McCarthy is the steal of the season. If only Sam had noticed the deal instead of doing a Question of Sport Prediction: In a bid to boost attendances, Blackburn issues a discounted season ticket for all fans with 6 fingers. Every game is a sell out. (7) EVERTON It seems that no matter what Moyes does, Everton will have a good season, followed by a bad one, followed by a good one. European football awaits for a side who should have better fire power. The difference is letting dross go (like Idan Tal), and spending money on a striker (AJ). Prediction: Everton fans make the front pages with the biggest shock of the season. They actually sing a song other than ‘Everton, Everton, Everton’ (8) WEST HAM Pardew proved last year that he can be shrewd in the transfer market, and isn’t scared to take a gamble on proven quality from a league down. They also play good football and shocked many a team. With Harewood, Ashton and Zamora, they have firepower that ensures goals against most teams. Also, keeping the likes of Yossi will prove to be a masterstroke. Prediction: Showing the lack of football knowledge, West Ham fans vote Bobby Moore as their player of the season. When asked, 80% didn’t know he had retired and 66% didn’t know he was dead (9) NEWCASTLE Damien Duff for 5m is a bargain, but creating chances for a non existent strike force is not going to fire Newcastle up the table. Alan Shearer has not been replaced. Owen is injured and unlikely to be half the player upon his return. Not sure Roeder will last the season. Could be similar to last year, struggle up until Christmas, new manager, recovery, intertoto etc etc Prediction: Without Shearer, the club goes into decline. Sir Alan agrees to be cryogenically frozen and will mark his return to the team in 2050 when the cure for bad knees and being a dirty bastard are found (10) CHARLTON With a manager who inspires a fight, along with some very tidy signings, I think Charlton will go along nicely. Their inevitable end of season slump is the only thing stopping them from getting into Europe. Prediction: It is only when the club accountant double checks that he realises that Charlton are 50m in the red. In line with other London clubs, they were meant to be charging away fans £200 per game and not the value beating £20 that they currently do. Good on you Charlton, best value in the Prem by a mile. (11) PORTSMOUTH Some very good signings and with more money to spend in January, I expect a more solid showing from Pompey. Prediction: Sol Campbell finally decides to ‘come out’. He uses the Pompey maritime link to re-record ‘In the Navy’ on board HMS Victory with his ‘special friends’. (12) WIGAN Don’t expect Wigan to perform as well as last year, Roberts will be a huge loss. However, for some reason I think Heskey might come good. With a great manager, Wigan should do better than their status should allow. Prediction: Talk of a salary cap based on crowds is a real worry to Wigan. The FA estimate that Wigan would be able to spend a total of 3 and 6 per week on wages based on their pathetic support. (13) MIDDLESBOROUGH Boro will actually do better without the negative tactics of Super Mac. JFH might take some replacing, but with pockets of talent in the squad, should do ok for the first Southgate season. Prediction: With a phobia of penalties stemming back to 1996, Gareth Southgate informs referees that his side do not want to be awarded any spot kicks. Opponents enjoy the freedom of being able to make good old fashioned tackles on the Boro strikers with no risk of punishment. (14) FULHAM Another nothing season and one where Chris Coleman will be threatened with the sack, and raved about as the best thing since sliced bread. A solid squad without the quality to make a massive impact. Prediction: Nothing of note. Bit like the team, pretty much a nothing side. How dull. (15) ASTON VILLA Serious struggle for Villa. I think they need to spend big in January under new ownership and this will be just enough to keep them up Prediction: The American buys up Birmingham, Wolves and West Brom, merging them all into the UK super casino football club…. West Midlandshire Wiards (16) BOLTON One of the worst entertainers last year has now had one of the worst summers. A strong first XI, but no depth to the squad leaves them vulnerable to injury. Expect a bad run at some point that might leave them close to the bottom 3. Should just have enough. Vaz Te to be the saviour if he gets more games. Prediction: Furious with his strikers who venture into the opponents half, Sam resorts to making his players wear electrocution collars. As soon as you have been in the opposition half for more than 30 seconds, you get shocked. And if you shoot, it’s the chair for you my son. (17) READING Just, just staying up. Poor signings have left them vulnerable, but the little bit of class they retain from last year will be enough to keep them up. Prediction: Steve Coppell once again finds the pressure of being a Premiership manager too much. He quits and gets a job as a used car salesman thanks to the connections of his chairman. (18) MAN CITY I think that having a summer clear out is a bad thing when all you have left is a load of poor players. City struggled last year under their poor manager. They have a weaker squad and once the fans turn on the team, confidence will be drained. It will be tight, but one of the promoted sides must stay up, and of the rest, City are by far the worst. Prediction: In a desperate bid to stay up, Man City search every legal loophole. They find in the rules of Association Football 1886 that ‘the world’s biggest club can not be relegated in the year 2007’. With egg on their faces, the FA prepare to re-instate Man City when they realise the scroll has been tampered with and the extra words had actually been written in the blood of the now deceased Moonchester. (19) WATFORD Despite playing some good football and taking some scalps under their excellent young manager, there is just no quality in this squad. Like the team below them, they have bought poor players and will find the season a big struggle. Still expect them to beat BWFC as Sam will under estimate them as he did Sunderland last year. Prediction: In the run in panic sets in. Elton John insists that David Furnish be given a game. He actually looks better than many of the summer signings (20) SHEFFIELD UNITED Kicking lumps out of the opposition no longer works in the Premiership. After buying a handful of poor lower league players, Sheffield will go the same way as Leicester and Sunderland before them. Prediction: After being referred to as a dinosaur, palaeontologists decide to carbon date Neil Warnock. The world is shocked to find that he is actually 134 and played in the 1898 FA Cup final under a false name.. Albert Hemmingthwaite.