Boxer Rebellion
Date: Friday 16th March 2012
"The town hall is now taking advanced bookings for arse showings on its steps for after this game. I've just reserved my slot now". "I keep ringing the town hall but it’s engaged all the time!" "They're closed Sundays...try tomorrow." These are a few optimistic views from fans in the event of a Bolton win this weekend. In reply, Bolton Town Hall Steps Depeartment have issued the following proclamation ahead of Saturday’s F.A Cup clash between Bolton and Tottenham Hotspur: "Due to a massive series of requests for bookings, the steps have been cordoned off and a police barrier erected to prevent unauthorised arse-showings on the whole weekend after the game, should Bolton win. Interviewed by TW, the ironically named Arthur Shufflebottom, from Steps Bookings said: "We just can’t take the chance. We did the same last year after angry fans overturned an ice-cream van on the town hall square, after the Stoke game, just because he was selling raspberry ripples. We go to great lengths to maintain a pleasing image and five-hundred hairy rectums on display would not enhance our fountains and display of daffodils in any way at all. We don’t mind an odd one or two of a pleasing colour, but that amount of shades from suet-pudding grey to something that would be more at home in Chester Zoo just won’t do. We also try to vary our booking times but everyone seems to want Sunday morning at eleven o’clock. After a Saturday evening visit to the town’s pubs and eateries, the results could be quite disastrous. We are left with no choice but to close the department, switch off the phones and send our staff home. I myself will be attending a sighting of a a greater-crested warbler in Ramsbottom, and the wife and daughter have booked the weekend in a spa and massage hotel in the Lake district." So, no official arse-showing will be available on the Town Hall steps, although quite a few unauthorised random exposures may well happen in other parts of the town in the unlikely event of a win for the Trotters.. The mood amongst the fans is far from optimistic with expressions of "domed, we’ll get tatered" and various predictions of anything from 5-0 to double figures in favour of Tottenham. Our beloved manager seems upbeat about it all and says he won’t sacrifice the F.A.C up chance for League safety. "Safety from what exactly? " one pessimistic fan at least would like to know. A visit to White Hart Lane and coming away with a win is an unlikely event. Then again, who knows? Strange things happen in the cup and the Spurs aren’t exactly in their best form right now. That form nevertheless has them a league light year away from our home heroes. Team selection will be decided by a Friday evening ping-pong tournament and domino drive behind closed doors. So then, Bogdan or Jussi, Klasnic, N’gog, KD or an unknown wonder-kid from the accademy ? Will the Spanish sick-note champ make a timely return at left back and will Fabrice end his Twittering if he gets a few minutes exposure on the turf? No doubt Happy Harry will be expecting to forward his England hopes in front of the fawning southern media, whilst OC declares what a great bunch of players Spurs are and what a terrific manager Harry is. Nothing left to do then but go on a wing and a prayer and not suffer death by hope. COME ON YOU WHITES (or blacks or whatever shade of pale we’ll be wearing)
