Set Pieces - The Reebok Real Ale Guide

Author: 50sQuiff / Date: Sunday 4 September 2005

50sQuiff and Phil Gartside run the rule over the matchday menu..

 

“Reet, Phil Gartside here. I'm the new landlord round these parts and I'm gonna shake this shithouse right up I am. That bloody Rollover is out right off the bat. Suet pudding or nowt down t'Reebok this year. Mustard? What the feck's in mustard? The wife's made some Picalilli so that's what yer avin, load it on son.” “And there'll be no more of that fizzy piss neither. We're not bloomin cockneys up ere lad - soft as shite shirt lifters the lot of em. We're all real men in Bolton, even the women, and it's Real Ale we're gonna drink. Forget that wop shit laced wi' chemicals, here's the new menu and I'll have no bloody moanin. Fill yer boots.”

The Reebok Real Ale Guide

by 50sQuiff Jay Jay's Barndoor Bitter:

With a reputation for being a spectacular but inconsistent pint, this legendary African beer was instrumental in keeping the brewery afloat during some tough times. But lately it had seen better days and rarely hit the spot. Despite being an award-winner on the international stage, Barndoor Brew never gained a solid foothold in the European market. It eventually found a niche in England where it was extremely popular, except in a small area of East London where it never went down well. Although still a hit with the critics, this famous beer began to lose popularity with the less discerning punters. Real ale connoisseurs still acknowledged it to be a good all-round session bitter, but the brewery’s preference for a more prosaic pint began to limit its distribution. Temporarily rendered obsolete by a Japanese import, the Brewery has lost confidence in exotic, exciting beers and is now relying solely on Ivan’s Sideshow Sangria to entertain the punters. Barndoor is gone forever, but will never be forgotten.

Bully's Sheffield Stout:

This born-again Yorkshire brew is an absolute pile driver of a pint, guaranteed to smash you right between the eyes then floor you with a killer hangover. Even a few rounds of Bully's will leave you feeling like you've been under aerial bombardment. As a guest ale it had no joy with the effete palates of Southern drinkers and faired even worse in the hovels of East Lancashire where the punters prefer turps to real beer. Eventually Bully's found a natural home in Bolton where the punters were missing a hearty brew that pulls no punches since McGinlay's Bolton Bastard was retired. It's also serially popular with young female drinkers, several of whom have brewed new varieties of Bully's themselves with help from the potent original.

Nobby's Northern Nectar:

Many punters see Nobby's as the successor to Barndoor Bitter, but this hoppy ale is a completely different pint. First fermented in Liverpool but nurtured at a Lancashire brewery for most if its life, Nobby's soon took the real ale scene by storm. But the standards of the brew soon went into sharp decline. Rumoured to have become popular on the club scene and particularly with the kebab crowd, it took a whole year for the brewery to set this promising pint back on track. Although yet to cement its place in the market, this lager has matured into a versatile beer renowned for its sharpness and cool finish. Ever popular with the locals, Nobby's remains largely ignored at a national level, but looks set to be the flagship of the brewery for some time to come.

Jussi's Finnish Flapper:

This underrated Scandinavian import has always been one of the best on the scene. Punters have enjoyed drinking the Flapper for so long they've started to take it for granted. Yet despite being part of the furniture, it's never been hailed as a classic ale. There have always been problems with consistency. Over the course of a year the odd pint is almost as rancid as Felgate's Barry Horne Howler. Thankfully these occasions are rare, but Finnish Flapper is known to give most drinkers the jitters from time to time.

Ped's Danish Celebration:

This is one beer the Danes don't mind seeing leave. The bitter won awards in a country where the standard of real ale is closer to Gigg Lane Grog than San Siro Special Brew, but inexplicably it finds itself in the upper echelons of the English pub scene. A pint of Ped's can range from utterly rancid raw sewage to tasteless piss that has so little effect you barely know you're drinking it. It does have some redeeming qualities though: a quick one late on can occasionally relieve a potential hangover and have you dancing around in endearingly comic fashion. Ped’s is a versatile beer, but ultimately Danish Celebration doesn’t really suit any occasion well. Why the brewery persists with it is a mystery.

Hunt's Home Brew:

Bolton born and brewed, this home-made cider is so pale and thin it's practically transparent. The first barrel was surprisingly useful: it cost absolutely nothing yet still did the job. Not only did it get you wrecked, a few sips of this stuff were guaranteed to have you kicking off with anyone that threatened to spill your pint. But the second barrel was a different story: it was so weak it cracked twice and sprung numerous leaks, especially down the right-hand side. Some of the cider that came out was mediocre pale piss at best and foul toxic slime full of rotting maggot-infested apple cores at worst. The third barrel came in dribs and drabs, leaving the brewery and punters guessing. With increased competition from the maturing Irish market, Hunt’s has it all to prove this year.

Dioufy's Senegal Spitfire:

A pint of this fiery bitter will soon have you charging around, dribbling all over the place, winding people up and generally pissing everyone you're not mates with right off. Spitfire is notorious for its volatility and its often dangerous side effects can detract from its consistent quality and class. Although an award-winner in Africa this expensive import initially failed to justify its price in England. A re-release at a knock-down price has seen the beer become a firm favourite with local drinkers but it's still regarded with contempt by prejudiced real ale critics and ignorant punters further afield. Unfortunately Spitfire suffered some serious quality-control problems last year, before going out of production altogether. So vital to the brewery’s line-up, punters will be hoping that Spitfire isn’t past its sell-by date.

Bruno’s Vintage Biere:

And finally a tribute to one of the most consistent and reliable ales ever to grace the Lancashire pub scene. Unspectacular and unassuming, this full-bodied vintage apparently got better with age, and was the cornerstone of the brewery’s success for five great years. With no hype and no glitzy marketing campaign, Bruno’s was one of the most underrated pints in the land. Although there were signs that age was finally catching up to Bruno’s, the brewery’s decision to sacrifice it seems strange. There should always be room for beer of a certain vintage, especially of this calibre. Bruno’s will always command the respect of local drinkers, even if the Brewery was unsentimental to the point of callousness in casting it aside.

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