Thread of the year for gayers.

Absolutely. Come on, Coffey, old boy - you can't just drop in a delicious morsel like that and then just bugger off

And now you have contributed you are one of us.

Gayer!

For we're all queers together,
That's why we go around in pairs,
For we're all queers together,
Excuse us while we go upstairs.

The story of the seal then.

You may find it very surprising to learn that I do a bit of stand-up. It's more of a hobby really as I've not got the motivation to get out and put in the time and effort required to climb the greasy pole.

If only I'd have spent more time noticing things and talking about rape and Greggs Pasties I cudda been a contenda.

Anyway in about 1990 I did this talent thing where the final was part of the Ashton-U-Lyne 'Festival'. You must've heard about it? No? It rivals Rio's Mardi Gras...? Still no? It was sponsored by Atlantic 252 and the prize was to go and perform at the Montreal Just for Laughs festival (well worth winning)

There was a musical act, a lad doing Frank Skinner's routine (I called him out on it but he just hard faced it), a sub-Cannon and Ball double act, me and from nowhere a woman with a seal in carry case. Yep - in Ashton.

I followed the seal. It balanced a ball, clapped its hands, pointed out the virgin in the crowd (high quality stuff this) and finished off with FJ on the car-horns.

To be honest it was funny but only in a way that you'd find it funny at Sea-World. Not in Ashton.

Then it was my turn and I thought I did really well. I think I made a few pointed comments about getting a seal through customs and how it was THE SEAL that had the 'talent' not the owner. I had all my laughs in all the right places, tight and a big cheer at the end - Montreal here I come!

I came second.

Showbiz eh?

I later heard that the Frank Skinner 'tribute' guy actually made the trip which made me mad. His name was 'Bean' and he was a lawyer. I think the organisers thought they had the new Clive Anderson on their hands but he was rubbish. He was booked to do a gig with me the next week back at the same venue but he bottled it - I was on stage and saw him come to the door, look in and walk out.

Never saw him again.

I wonder if he enjoyed Montreal?

I'm not giggin 'till the end of the month in Edinburgh - if I tweeted I'd post it, tell you and you could pack the place out. But I don't.

You've been a smashing audience, my name's Coffeymagic - goodnight!

Do you happen to know if the seal was any good as a left-back?

I thought we signed him?? Braaten??