ok I'll kick off...

Two men walk into a pub, and all the inhabitants greet the one called George, and the other asks George:
"How do all these people know you?"
George replies "Everybody knows me."
the other says "You can't know everybody."
And George challenges him "Name any person that you think I won't know, and I'll prove I know them."
And so, the other guy accepts, and says the Prime Minister.
They both go off to London, and George goes up to the police guarding, who says "Is that you George? Long time no see, mate. You off to see the PM?"
and George says "Aye, and this is my mate who doesn't believe I know everyone, so I'm proving to him that I do."
So the pair sit in No. 10, and have a cup of tea with the PM.

The next day in the pub, the other guy says "Well, you know the PM, but I bet you don't know the Queen"
And George says "What? Me and Lizzie go way back"
So the pair set off to London once again, and go to the Palace, and George gos up to one of the Scots Guardsmen at the gate who says "Evening George. You off to see the Queen today?"
and George replies "Aye, that I am. And this guy doesn't believe that I know everyone, so I'm proving it to him."
So the pair walk into the palace, and go into to State room, and the Queen is sitting there, and she says "George! I have not seen you for a while. Come and have some tea."

The next day in the pub, the other guy says "Well, there is one person you cannot know: the Pope"
To which George replies "Weesht, 'course I know the Pope. I was there when Benedict became a priest, nevermind when they Poped him."
So the pair set off to Rome, and George goes up to the Swiss Guardsman in the Vatican, who says "George? You wanting to see His Holiness? He's up on the balcony (the one at which the Pope often appears) just now, just go up and meet him."
and George says "Right, and my mate's just gonna come with me--"
and the Guardsman interrupts "Sorry mate, but he can't go up"
So George turns to the other guy and says "Right, you just wait down in the crowd and watch while I talk to the Pope"

The Other Guy is in the crowd, and he sees George up on the balcony talking away to the Pope, but for all he knows, the Pope could be telling him to bugger off. So, the Other Guy turns to a random guy next to him and says "Do you know that guy up there?"
and the random guy next to him says "What? That guy talking to George?"

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?














Dam.

I'm sorry but I think this may well be in the wrong thread...this is a joke thread

How very dare you!!

Methinks mine was infintely funnier than yours!

And even if both were deemed unfunny, mine took up 1 wasted second of someones life, yours took about 4 hours!!

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................

So I told her to f%@k off.

* 50 year old joke alert *


* 50 year old joke alert *


* 50 year old joke alert *

What do you call a vicar on a motorbike?



















Rev.

Oh my good Lord

* Another 50 year old joke alert *


* Another 50 year old joke alert *


* Another 50 year old joke alert *

What was Camelot famous for ?





















It's knight life !

Dear oh Dear CH I am sure people have been banned from sites for less than this

That's a chance I'm willing to take!

The world needs corny jokes like these. Its a public service I'm providing

nk responce to shite joke

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.......
















....... So the barman gave her one.

they are all so bad, but so funny at the same time.

I read this the other day:

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, not really I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and have a movement every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Never a mod around when you need one . For goodness sake guys have mercy and lock this thread before Gertie or CH post anymore.

Ohh dear God what have I unleashed on the world!!!

I saw Quazimodo running down the street the other being chased by a bunch of kids, shouting "look will you lot pxss off, I havent got your bloody football"

It's Christmas, and Esmerelda has bought Quasimodo a wok.

"What have you bought me that for?" he asks, "You know I don't like Chinese food"

"It's not for cooking with," she answers, "It's for ironing your shirts over"

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.
"Just Released - New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make.
I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the
window."
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to
step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the
earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the
booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't
understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the
sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step
into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

Wait for it...













"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

Quasimodo walks into a pub

Quasimodo: "Barman id like a whisky"

Barman: "Certainly sir, Bells alright sir?"

Quasimodo: "Mind your own business and get me my drink"