A M&M and a Jelly baby are talking and the M&M says "are you on for a night on the town".

The jelly baby replies "no chance every time I go in town I get my head kicked in", the M&M says "its OK I'm a bit of a hard case I'll look after you and make sure nobody harms you".

So the Jelly baby agrees.

They are both having a drink in this pub when two Lockets walk in and proceed to kick seven shades out of the Jelly baby.

After about five minute the Lockets get bored and leave and the M&M comes out from where he's been hiding.

The jelly baby says "I though you were going to look after me and stop anyone from having a go"

The M&M relies " You got to joking I'm not messing with those two they're Menthol"

A couple attending an art exhibition at the national gallery were staring at a painting that had them totally confused, it illustrated 3 black men completely naked sitting on a park bench, two of the men had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realised the couple were having trouble interpreting the portrait and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white peatriacle society,
‘In fact’ he went on ‘some serious critics believe the pink penis symbolises the cultural social oppression expressed by homosexual males in a contemporary society.’
After the curator had left a Scotsman approached the couple and said,
‘Would you like to know what that painting is really about?’
‘How would you claim to know more about this painting than the curator of the gallery?’ the couple asked.
‘Because im the fella who painted it!’ he replied, ‘in fact, there is no African American representation at all, they are just three Scottish coal miners, and the bloke in the middle went home for lunch!’

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, "P*ss off".

They said "come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."

Then I thought, fu*k it, I could win this.

Chelsea, Wigan and Bolton will make up the big three come November.

lmfao, that made me laugh so hard!

It reminds me of a south park episode.

Bloke picks a girl up in a club; takes her back to his place. In his bedroom are rack after rack of fluffy teddy bears. Girl is delighted and thinks: " Aww, Teddy Bears, he must be a really sensitive guy, I'm so glad I came here. Maybe this is the strart of something.

Action.

Following morning the bloke tosses her clothes on the bed and says: "You gotta go now, I'm of to work"

Girl says, : "I really enjoyed the night. How was it for you?"

Bloke: "Come on, I'm late. Er, oh, take any prize off the bottom shelf!"

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?















If they flew over land they would be 'Bagels'........

bloke goes to the zoo, there was only a dog there


it was a shit-zu

A duck walks into a pub, goes to the bar and ask's the barman (its a talking duck you see):

'Got any bread?'

To which the barman replies, 'No, we ain't got any bread.'

To which the duck asks, 'Got any bread?'

The barman, with furrowed brow, responds, 'Like I said, we ain't got no bread.'

Unperturbed, the duck asks, 'Got any bread?'

'No.'

'Got any bread?'

'Still no.

'Got any bread?'

Exasperated, the barman reaches for a concealed hammer below the counter 'Look, you annoying b*stard of a duck - if you ask me one more fecking time if I have any fecking bread I'm going to fecking nail your b*stard head to the fecking bar you annoying fecking b*stard'.

To which the duck replies, 'Got any nails?'

'No.'

The duck, nodding its head sagely, then says.......










'Got any bread?'

I played darts last night for the first time in years down at the local catholic club.

Not having played for a while I was quite rusty so with my first arrow I only got a single twenty the next was a lot better I hit triple twenty but the third hit the wire on the treble bounced out and killed a nun sat at the side of the dart board!

The room went totally quite until the scorer shouted -

















One nun dead and eighty!!!!

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.......


....... so the barman gave her one.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You b*^%£#d! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh s**t, it's started."

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Half time at the Bridge and Mourinho walks into the dressing room...

http://69.93.40.114/~today123/audio/giftjose.wma

Nice one

An out of work Pianist is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho
one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar
with a sign in the window. 'Pianist wanted for evening performances.'

'fecking get in you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar:

'Get the fecking manager of this pigshit middle class wankhole please
c*nt.' He says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help
you sir.' 'Yes you can fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the
cunting window and i'm here to audition.....wanker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the mans abrasive manner but his
dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic.

At the end the thrilled barman cries 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was it
called?'

'That song, you big nose tw*t,was called' Excuse me prime-minister but I
just jizzed in your daughters eye and now the c*nt's blind.'

'Oh' says the manager ' erm, play me another. Something a little less
"lively".'

'Wanker' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty
teardrops asks him the title. 'That was called "Sometimes when you do a
bird up the shitbox you get crap on your bell-end.'

'I see' says the manager 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles'

'Well theres my Jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece" or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're my old dear, you've still got
nice jugs"

'Look' says the manager interrupting 'i think you're a superb pianist
but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the
audience.'

'feck it' says the pianist 'why not.'

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being recieved as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a
gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard-on he
decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck
he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy so he rushes back
to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar
relaxing when the blonde approaches him.

'Hi' she says.

'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear 'Do you know your cock is hanging
out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?' says the pianists putting his beer on the bar confidently



Wait for it.
















'I fecking wrote the c*nt!.'

A bloke on his way home from work comes to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself, wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies: "It's a Man U fan, he's just so depressed about losing the premiership to Chelsea, being knocked out of Europe and the prospect of winning f**k all after gobbing off all season, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job. I'm walking around taking a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the bloke "How much have you collected so far?".

"Only about 1/2 a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

You really need to post that on the Man Utd bit of 606.

Found this on 606 -

One day, two giants and walking round the world, when one says to the other:
"Where do you think this is?"
"Easy," says the other, "thats New York city."
"How do you know?"
"Cos I can feel the empire state building!" Says the giant as he feels the ground with his hand.
Ten minutes later they stop somewhere else.
"Where do you think we are now?"
"Paris."
"How do you know?"
"Because I can feel the Eiffel tower!"
This carries on in similar fashion until they reach England.
"Where do you think we are now?"
"Definitely Liverpool"
"Why"
"My watch is gone"

Whats the difference between a woman in church and one in the bath?







Ones got hope in her soul, the other's got ......